Why the 80s Sucked

It’s time for another edition of What He Said, by Mike.  Today, he’s taking on a whole decade and I hope he’s armed to the teeth because he’s up against The Culture Club, a pair of noisy parachute pants that make that “whoosh whoosh” sound when your thighs rub together and a highly pressurized can of Aquanet.

So without further adieu, here’s what Mike has to say about why the 80s sucked.

Everyone says the 80’s were great, but is that really true?  I lived through it and here are some things that made the 80s, like, totally not tubular.

No Internet – What?!?!  No internet?!  How in the hell did we survive without the internet?  It was a crazy out of control time!  Every research paper had to be done in the library using books and microfilm crap and they took like a month to write.  Now my kids can whip one out in a day, while eating a hot pocket, and watching Vine.  Plus, I now have readily available answers to the stupid ass questions that have floating around in my head like “I wonder who invented the stop sign” and “What are the secret menu options for an In ‘n Out Burger ?”  More brain cells taken up by useless knowledge but now I sleep better knowing that the second Darren was rated the best Darren on Bewitched by BuzzFeed.

No cell phones – We had to make an effort to actually “chat” with someone … with our adolescent cracking voice !!  Gasp !! Face to Face.  Gasp!  Using our own voice!  It was petrifying.  On second thought, it was pretty cool knowing you could be a complete, drunk, dumb ass at a party and there weren’t 40 of your “friends” there to film your indiscretions and post them on YouTube for millions to see 2 minutes later.

Cassette tapes – They were so small and cool compared to those big old albums we used to own and you could play them in your car!  But, you needed a damn suitcase to carry your stash of tapes around.  And when the car got hot in the summer, they melted.  Either way, they like crap after a few months wear.  Not to mention you had to wait forever to fast-forward or rewind to get to the song you liked which killed all the buildup of “Dude, you have to hear this latest song by Boston.  It’s so rad!  Hold on, we’re almost there.  Don’t worry, it’ll be worth it.  Damn, why is this thing taking so &#$%(@# long ?!?!”.  Today, you just tell your phone what you want to hear and boom, there it is – instant gratification

Corded phones – Yeah, they were fun to wrap around your fingers while you talked, but it was always kind of uncomfortable to be talking up a hot chick you were trying to get in good with on the corded phone and your mom is 10 feet away whipping up some Kraft macaroni and cheese with her huge bionic ears zeroing in on your convo and your “moves.”  Creepy.  And I always wondered what her and dad were laughing about after dinner …

Bootlegging music – There was no Napster or LimeWire back in the 80s.  You would go broke buying every tape with every cool song you liked, so you might have to resort to 80s “bootlegging” music by physically holding the microphone of your crappy cassette recorder next to the crappy speaker of your crappy boom box, be very quiet and pray it recorded – and it still sounded like $^!+.  It never failed that during the taping of the latest hot #1 song in the Top 40 Countdown by Casey Kasem (which you waited 3 hours to finally hear), your “pain in the ass” kid brother would break in the room and run around screaming the Batman theme song while you screamed at him to shut the hell up.  Hell, creating a mix tape was like a month long process so if some dude made you one, it was true love.

Cars – All cars in the 80s sucked ass.  Yugo, Cadillac Cimarron, Cavalier, Chevette, Dodge Aries, K-Cars, etc.  There were tons of 80s car and they all blew.  They came in like four colors – white, gray, blue, and black.  Of course, they were all miles better than the chocolate brown, faux wood paneled Ford Country Squire station wagon I had to drive – which was like driving around with your own personal 24 hour a day active abstinence birth control.  Maybe my parents did know what they were doing …

Hair – By far the worst decade ever for hair.  Teased up bangs, mullets, parts down the middle, and feathered sides.  All of it was nasty and just plain wrong.  Look back at the pictures.  How did anyone get laid in this decade?  Mine ALWAYS looked horrible.  It’s a wonder anyone who grew up in the 80s even still has hair considering all the crap we did to it.  Blow drying, mousse, etc.  The only saving grace for me is now seeing that the dudes I knew with the best 80s hair now (I was so jealous of these dudes back then) are just left with the balding spot and comb-over (insert my evil laugh here).

Clothing – I had mixed thoughts about adding this category but the more I thought it out the bad outweighed the good.  There was some good – Parachute pants, Izod shirts, Nike’s, Topsiders, Leg warmers, etc. were all cool.  BUT, the Madonna look was crap, the BIG slogans on our shirts were just plain stupid, and I still can’t figure out why everyone was wearing headbands all the time.  No wonder Chess King lasted in malls 5 years more than it should have.  We thought we were so cool.  Look at college 80s party pics today.  The kids do not look cool, they look stupid, and while they’re at it, they need to get the hell off my lawn!

As bad as the ass whips of the 80s were this was still the best decade ever for me.  So many good things came my way and I’d go back in a second.  But the second time around, I’d sell that station wagon and get myself a hot Trans Am with the t-tops.  Like, TOTALLY, dude!


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