fanny packs

Let’s go way, way back in time and assume Adam and Eve take one look at the apples, decide they’re nasty and refuse to even try them (in other words, they behave like my children). How would the world be different? Likely it would be different in every way, but because I like salacious stuff, I think we should focus our examination on the fact that clothes would never have been invented and we’d all be walking around naked today.

So in partnership with my friend and regular guest-contributor Mike, here are 20 things that would happen if everyone was naked.

Mike’s list

Less back injuries - Bending over at the waist to pick up something would thankfully cease. Everyone would pick up things by squatting and using their legs, which is the correct way but not nearly as interesting to casual observer
Waxing and laser hair removal places would be very, very busy and I would be first in line, that is a promise. I don’t want the Sasquatch crew snagging me during one of my jogs
Viagra would be sold in bulk. You don’t want to be the one dude walking around that is not at a semi state of readiness and having to explain how “you just got out of the pool” all the time.
More body stuff – More skin = more opportunity to hang ornaments off of “places” that really shouldn’t have things hanging off of them in the first place so that everyone can enjoy your “unique” style. Be careful, ladies – the potential for snagging your “ornaments” grows drastically when they aren’t covered up.
Gyms would be packed - Workouts would be a requirement now that everyone can see you without Spanx or a cinch waist wrap. They would also be more entertaining considering the type of equipment being used (i.e. thigh master in particular). I would predict a huge increase in the sale of sanitary wipes needed by gyms for wiping off equipment after numerous nasty, dripping, stinky, bare ass reps of the person on the machine before you who has been exercising for the last hour. I know, I gagged on that one as well …
No more tan lines, or will there be? – I thought this would be great until I truly thought it out – there would be “tan lines” created by any fat rolls, ass cheeks and moobs (male boobs) on your body. I speak from experience on this one
The nastiest and nerdiest accessory every invented — the fanny pack — would be a big player – How you gonna carry all your junk? Don’t laugh – Louie V, Coach, and the others would be marketing this accessory to all who want to spend $500 on one.
The end of yoga as we know it – Yoga classes wouldn’t be composed primarily of limber chicks anymore. They’d be packed with dudes all trying to get a great back row “viewing position” for the spotted dog or whatever weird position is being done. By the start of the second week, it would just be a bunch of naked dudes in the class finally realizing that there are no gals coming to the class anymore. The start of the third week – just a bunch of naked dudes, ass-sweating on mats, drinking beer, and talking about how great the first week in Yoga class was.
The “new” ESPN (Entertainment Sports Porn Network) – All sports would be elevated to a whole new viewing level and now all woman would embrace the watching of every sporting event with the husbands. Even golf, table tennis, and equestrian events would be highly viewed sports.
Mooning someone would have no shock value. The single greatest shocking thing you can do to a friend in junior high would not exist.

And 10 more things I just had to add:

No one would live in Minnesota.
Population would explode as women became pregnant every time they bent at the waist to pick something up.
Women, desperate to artistically express themselves, would make vajazzling and pubic hair manicuring two of the most lucrative businesses out there.
Your gynecologist would no longer have any instructions for you except 1. Spread your legs, this might be a little cold and 2. Don’t bend at the waist unless you wanna get pregnant.
If there was even one jellyfish floating near the shore, not a single person would go swimming.
PentHouse and Playboy would never exist. Looking at boobs and vaginas? Ho-hum. How about drape a banana leaf over that chick’s ass? SEXY!
Women would talk 50% less as the phrase, “Do I look fat in this?” ceases to exist.
Skinny dipping would just be called swimming.
It would be common to follow boob tracks to locate a missing woman.
Chicks would have all kinds of time to ponder other things since they’d now know immediately if a guy found them attractive or not.