Mike’s been married for over 2 decades and yet he still doesn’t understand very much about women, by his own admission. In today’s “What He Said, by Mike,” he lays out his top 10 burning questions for you ladies. Please feel free to school him in the comments. I’ll hold him down while you beat him about the head and neck with an old Kotex Maxi-pad.
Mike: Ladies, I have some questions …
Toulouse: Ladies, you don’t have to answer those questions!
Ladies: I’ll answer the questions! You want answers?
Mike: I think I’m entitled.
Ladies: You want answers!?!??
Mike: I want the truth!
Ladies: You can’t handle the truth!
OK, Ladies, here’s your chance. These are real questions that I (and probably a ton of other dudes) have – so pick one or two (or all of them) and answer them for me. Set me straight, because you know by now, I need it.
Rub-a-dub-dub – Do you really need all that crap in the shower? There was time in your lives when just a bar of soap and some shampoo was sufficient. When did all this change? Now you have 20 kinds of shampoos, 17 conditioners, 3 body washes, various sweet-smelling soaps, at least 2 different specialty razors, moisturizing shave cream, eye makeup remover and a buffing cloth. Oh hey, can you pass me that pomegranate body wash?
There’s a place in France – What’re the rules when buying womens’ underwear? Do you try them on first? Is the rule, you try it, you buy it? Remember, this is from a dude that usually buys his boxers in a sealed bag and I know the last person to touch it was Inspector 35. I just pop open the bag and pull on a fresh pair. That’s usually when my wife cringes and tells me I should wash those first. They looked clean to me. Probably the cleanest they will ever be in their lifetime.
Unfaithful – I’ve seen this movie a few times now so I ask, do we really need to feel sorry for Diane Lane? She has a good life (good husband, good kid, great house, is rich, doesn’t work, etc.) meets up with a French dude and next thing you know she’s riding him every chance she gets like she’s trying to win the Kentucky Derby. Then she starts feeling guilty, but doesn’t stop the affair. And the crying begins. And goes on and on. Seriously?! She cries because she’s a crappy wife, and cries because she is a crappy mom, and cries because (spoiler alert) something bad happens to Frenchie. Tears, tears, and more tears. Am I missing something here? Why is this a good movie?
Just a little off the top, please – I get the whole woman “grooming your nether regions” thing and speaking on behalf of all the dudes out there, thank you. It’s appreciated. But is it really required that we also do a bit of “manscaping” as well? Although women seem to be pretty open about that type of thing with each other, I have yet to have a conversation with a buddy on how to “spiff up” my twig and berries area. Hell, I’m not even sure if other dudes do this. I think we should all just aspire to a little Duck Dynasty in our pants.
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? – Do gals really like bad boys or is it a complete myth? I was once told at a party by one of my wife’s girlfriends who’d been bitching for an hour about how her husband treats her like crap, end the conversation with and smile saying it — “Well, you know Mike, all women love them bad boys!” WTF? Funny thing is I don’t recall ever being attracted to bad girls though I liked trying to change good girls into bad girls.
I will take two number 3’s, upsized – You’re hungry and I’m hungry. But finding a suitable eating establishment we both want can be a whip. My “where do you want to eat ?” question always prompts the response “I don’t care …” but then when I decide you always say, “I’m not hungry for that.” Is this some sort of test? Just pick one! I’m hungry!
Easy rider – I’m at the age where many dudes my age are riding Harleys. Not just riding the bikes, but dressing the part of a Harley rider, tricking out their bikes, and even dressing up their women. The whole package. And it looks like a pretty expensive hobby. Now, before you start slamming me, I have no opinion either way about riding bikes. Not a huge interest of mine. My question is, if this type of man is eye-catching to you gals or looks like a joke? I live in the big city so regardless of your answer, I admire dudes with huge enough steel balls to ride their Harleys on the roads around here.
Open sesame – I need to get her keys or I need some money. Which means I need to go in her purse. I then get the unholy Luciferian scream of, “Get out of my purse!!!” What the hell is in those things that causes such protectiveness? What could you possibly have in there that I can’t see?
Mr. Clean – If you haven’t learned by now – I hate hair. Head hair, body hair, all hair. The day all of mine falls out will be a very happy day in my life. But as I looked over an ever-growing sea of shaved headed dudes, I wondered -do women even find the shaved head look attractive? Is it better with a goatee or possibly a beard? I don’t know if I have ever heard a woman say “Damn, that is one sexy bald-headed dude — and what I really love is how he has hair on his face but none on his head. Yummy!”
Just spray … They will come – Does cologne do anything for you? All it does is make my wife sneeze and I always considered it a type of false advertising anyways (come on, like I really smell like this). Also, Axe – do you really find a man more attractive when he is “wearing” Axe spray? The commercials make it look like it drives you into an orgasmic frenzy when a guy walks by after a dose to “Pit, Pit Chest.”
So there you have it — all of Mike’s burning questions about women.
After reading this, it’s clear that Mike understands women like my kindergartner understands veterans. Which is to say about 50%. Check out this awesome journal entry from Veteran’s Day.
I love that kid. He keeps me laughing all the time. And thanks to his, umm, creativity, HuffPo finally decided to stop ignoring my jumping around, waving my arms at them all the time and shared his letter on their Parents page. Yay for Veteran’s Day. And bravery. And fish.
Did Mike make you laugh? Leave him a little womanly advice in the comments. He lives for that shit.
Read all the What He Said, by Mike blogs here. Do it. Now. Do it, do it, do it.
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This series cracks me up. I am laughing so hard.
I think bald is sexy!
Ill venture out on two of the topics.
If you ask me if Im hungry and I say I dont care, I usually dont care. However, if you are offering up, say Skyline, which I hate Im probably going to say no. My feeling is my husband knows what I will or wont eat, so if you offer something that you know I wont eat, you know you are going to get a no. His best bet is to just drive in somewhere and say Soup’s On!
As far as cologne, I prefer a clean smelling soap or cologne. I know you don’t always wear it but its nice to catch a whiff once in a while. AXE is like Febreeze for men! The only guys I know that actually use it are college guys who don’t regularly wash their clothes and men who smoke that are trying to cover the smell.
Dana — you win for giving me the biggest laugh of the day! Febreze for men!
Cool !! Thanks for the response. I am not picky about where I eat. I can usually find something to eat, somewhere, so I always give my wife the first option. When I hear “doesn’t matter to me” then I head where I want to eat. Many years ago we started the process of myself picking 3 spots to eat and then she has to choose from the three. Seems to work good for us. Just a whip to aimlessly drive around to find somewhere, sometimes …
Maybe if I found a “lite” smelling cologne I could use that. I am sure as I walk by, women aren’t swooning over my manly scent of Irish Spring …
Axe is a no-go!
Bald is beautiful (hellloooo, Mr. Willis!)
Girls like bad boys; women like men with a job who are respectful to their father.
If you grow out your twig curlies, we get to grow out ours!
I don’t want you in my purse because it’s organized. I can reach in and find my keys immediately, but if you rustle around in there, you’ll upset the order!
I hate “Unfaithful”. I hated Diane Lane’s character in that movie. It’s one of the most offensive movies I’ve ever seen. Then again, I have a very low threshold for infidelity. As in, not acceptable in any circumstance. At least have the vagina to deal with your problems head on, right? (And I use vagina instead of balls because really, balls are sort of fragile and delicate when your think about it, while vagina’s are friggin’ powerhouses!).
Also, my husband doesn’t like to go in my purse. I personally have no problems with it. I think he thinks there’s some kind of privacy issue there, but my purse is just a gigantic diaper bag that happens to also house my I’d, money, and hairbrush. No biggie.
Cologne is tricky. Some smells are delicious and others are disgusting. Too much is always disgusting.
Bald is sexier than a combover any day.
Does that help a bit? 🙂 Love your posts!
OK, feeling better about bald look which is good. First sign of baldness, it is all coming off. Interesting about the purse. That actually makes perfect sense until I remember the chaos within my wife’s purse so must be a different reason for her. If I trim my twig curlies, do my odds increase ?? : )
We buy 700 shampoos because we think they are magic and one of them is going to give us model hair. We have so many because we haven’t found the right one yet.
Trimmed twig curlies will always increase your odds.
I hate cologne. It just makes me sneeze.
I want my husband out of my purse because I don’t want him to know what a wreck it is in there. It’s my space to be as messy as I want and I don’t want judgement.
Carrie – totally agree with you. I will shave it all off before a combover get done to my mop. Reward is not worth the mainteance of the few straggling “soldiers”
Unfaithful is an odd one. I never understood what drew Diane Lane to him. Was her husband a dick ?? No. Was he mistreating her ?? No. Was he not providing some emotion to her ?? Didn’t look like it to me ?? They looked like the perfect couple but then she was burning up the road with her Range Rover to ride the French Connection. Just didn’t get it.
1. We have so many different products because some days you don’t want pomegranate, you want honeysuckle instead.
2. We want the nice underwear because it makes us feel pretty, and it most certainly is a no no to try on underwear.
3. I don’t personally like unfaithful.
4. If you want us to, then you should too.
5. The bad boy thing is probably all about the adventure.
6. We don’t want to be responsible for picking something bad.
1. We have so many different products because some days you don’t want pomegranate, you want honeysuckle instead.
2. We want the nice underwear because it makes us feel pretty, and it most certainly is a no no to try on underwear.
3. I don’t personally like unfaithful.
4. If you want us to, then you should too.
5. The bad boy thing is probably all about the adventure.
6. We don’t want to be responsible for picking something bad.
I am amazed that I have yet to get a comment like “It’s none of your business”, “You are a dick”, “Such an immature a-hole”, or “I feel sorry for your wife”. Maybe people are warming up to me and my snarky attitude : )
True, men are mostly simple to understand, except when they are the silent type.
Yes, women may seem complicated. But, no, in fact hey aren’t . It’s just that we don’t speak the same language, we don’t judge the same things as important, so men and women are in trouble communicating.
Nope, harley dudes are not sexy at all. And they do look like jokes. When I meet one, I always wonder how I could stand living with one of them. And bad boys? No, I don’t like them. I don’t feel attracted.
Oh, and Axe is really bad. Doesn’t make me sneeze, but it mostly stinks.
When I first saw this it had no replies and I couldn’t believe it but my phone didn’t want to scroll. Could never let this one pass.
1. Certain soap for certain region that reacts, other wise whatever. Love generic lavender baby bath to shave my legs. 2. Buy fantasy stuff every now and then but basically basics. Same brands. If I don’t like them they go in charity bag. Had a friend that was always buying them for me. Never figured that out. 3. Maybe it is just to let you know it happens cuz it does. I didn’t think it was so great. Author working through something? True for me anyway. 4. I wish I’d lasered it years ago. Now, that would be just silly. Guys? Kind of metrosexual, but in the heat of the moment I might not feel judgmental. Tidiness, pleasantness would be the biggies. 5. Most bad boys are poseurs in my opinion. I always shied away from blonde guys; thought they were too full of themselves. So, many years later, after all the high school fears and cliques were behind me, I took one of the football stars to the cleaners — so to speak. Great fun. 6. He knows I will say Steak and Shake and he isn’t too crazy about it. I get there sometimes, but he usually names the place. I don’t care. 7. Used the trope in fiction, but not a big deal for me. Harley seems more authentic if you are going to play. Ran into a crowd of them when it was just me and my two year old. I was pretty cute then and they were the nicest guys in the world. If they let me bring the baby, I’d have left with them. 8. No secrets in there. If there are/were, too bad for looking. 9. Love the shaved head if they have a big head. Maybe one day’s growth. Not too crazy about creative facial hair. Two or three days growth sometimes nice. Ahh, remembering my tender young thighs. 10. Old Spice. Sorry. Got a whole short story out of that one. Don’t even know anyone who uses it anymore.
Loved your football player story! (on your blog) Thanks for spelling that one out for us! : )
Saathla – you give us WAYYYY too much credit and I don’t believe I give your gender enough credit. A little sex now and then, no nagging and we are happy, happy. I still don’t know what makes women happy, happy.
I think the “not speaking the same language” comment is valid. Takes many years to figure each other out : )
So much to reply to so I will just pick a couple …
A friend buys you underwear ?? Seems odd to me but I am a dude.
It seems everyone is in agreement with manscaping so it might have to become a regular thing since it is an “odds increaser” …
Anytime you want to share the football star story, I’ll be listening : )
The football story is on my blog now.
1. Personally I have a small stand up shower (really inconvenient) and I have a caddy with all my stuff that I leave at the side of the shower and grab as I go. And yes, we do need all of that. We like variety. If you guys want us to look and feel (physically) the best we can than we need all this stuff.
2. Absolutely not! That’s like tabu to us. Our dream is to one day have all our underwear and bras match. Don’t know why, just is.
3. Never seen it, but it sounds horrible. I’m also a firm believer in being faithful though.
4. Absolutely. If we need to what makes you think you don’t. Although I don’t make my husband, it’s greatly Appreciated.
5. Some do, but girls like that usually have issues. I don’t. Back when my husband used to be a “bad boy” I wouldn’t give him the time of day which I guess is why he straitened up and here we are.
6. Usually when I’m asked I pick 2 or 3 places I wouldn’t mind eating and have them decide from there.
7. You know, they look nice (the bikes) but I’m not sure how I’d feel if my husband decided to buy one and every possible thing to go along with it including some stuff for me. I also don’t care if my husband make himself look like an idiot, but I’m sure as heck not going to look like one. The only exception is if it’s a fantasy of his and I pick out my own biker outfit.
8. All I have in my purse is makeup and I don’t care if anyone goes in my purse as long as I know about it first.
9. I can’t stand that look. I like hair. Mainly because when it comes to sex I like having something to hold on to or my husband comes out looking like a slave because I scratched his back so bad.
10. We love to smell nice and we love when you do too. Just don’t over do it and change it up sometimes.
Very interesting answers to Mike’s questions/points. I’d like to see what he has to say about all this. Mike?
my hubby has a harley. it was his reenlistment gift. that being said, i refuse to give harley any more of our money beyond the bike. that crap is stupid expensive! i am so glad hubby feels the same. you do not have to drink the kool-aid to ride a harley. i adore going for rides on the bike. its like the best convertible ever.
First, I’ve spent the morning binge-reading your posts, and my sides hurt from laughing so hard!
1. I do use “special” shampoo (not really special, as I buy it by the gallon on Amazon!) because I spend a small fortune on my hair color, and I don’t want my shampoo to strip out the color or dry out my hair. Otherwise, my shower contains soap (Dove unscented), a razor (exactly like the one he uses; makes buying blades less hassle!), shave gel, and Target-brand face wash. Probably not going to be much help here; I seem to be lacking the “girly” gene!
2. Bras: Yes. Too many variables to simply buy based on tag size. Undies: Not a chance. And what I do buy is going into the wash as soon as I get home!
3. The initial sex scene was pretty hot, but the rest of the movie just didn’t “gel” for me. She’s got a great life, and by all appearances she’s not lacking anything in that department from her husband, so why would she risk everything for a fling? I adore Diane Lane, but I had a very difficult time feeling anything but disdain for that character, because her choices were stupid.
4. It is not required that you “manscape.” However, your chances of getting a blow job are directly proportional to how well-kept the lawn is. Just saying.
5. We really don’t. Most of us go through a phase — usually in our early 20’s, when we’re on our own for the first time and trying to establish who we are as individuals, separate from our parents and their beliefs/expectations — where the ‘bad boy’ is attractive. With few exceptions, we will date one or two of these ‘bad boys’ before tiring of their shenanigans and moving on to men worthy of our attention. The popularity of the ‘bad boy’ stereotype has less to do with the guy himself, and more to do with remembering ourselves way back when, before our boobs hung to the floor, and our name was officially changed to, “MommyMommyMommyMommyMommy!!”
6. Two points here.
A: After 10 years, my husband has a pretty solid grasp of what I will eat, and what I won’t. When his “suggestion” is sushi — knowing that I view raw fish as “bait” — I do not consider it a true suggestion. If he doesn’t want to have this conversation, he needs to pose viable options.
B: Husband has also figured out that, if he takes the initiative to pick a place (and if he’s really feeling skippy, to find a sitter!) BEFORE I’m hangry, he’s much more likely to eat what he wants. 🙂
7. Motorcycles are stupid. Can you say, “organ donor”? And I totally don’t “get” the dressing-up-as-a-big-tough-biker thing; if you know anything about the genesis of the biker gangs, it’s not something anyone with any sense would want to emulate! (And don’t GET me started on the women who do this — why on earth would you want to perpetuate one of THE most misogynistic social constructs ever created?!)
8. My purse is probably the ONE place where I have retained any semblance of control. It’s very organized, and after he’s done pawing through it, I can’t find any of my stuff for days. (Plus, my wallet is not an ATM. If you need cash, drive your happy butt to the bank, just like I had to!)
9. OMFG, is bald sexy! Still trying to convince hubs to give up the #1, and just shave it. Facial hair, not so much; I’ve never been a fan. (And whoever decided the ‘flavor saver’ looked good should be forced to have ALL his body hair waxed off!)
10. AXE should be banned; it smells like aerosolized chocolate-scented cat urine. Cologne, on the other hand, is delightful, provided that a) it’s not overpowering; and b) it complements your body chemistry. The hubs wears this very subtle vanilla-y cologne that makes my mouth water!
Got it. So if I am a bald dude, that reminds you of a past bad boy, who wear subtle cologne, takes you to a place you like to eat, stays out of your purse, and manscape, then I am guaranteed a BJ. I think I am in love : )
Thanks for answering my questions !!