9 Ways To Dewussify Your Child

Mike is sick and tired of the wussification of America and he wants you to stop your kids from turning into the little wussies he sees on playgrounds and in restaurants all over this damn country. I’m just gonna step out of the way like the wussy I am now and let him have the floor. Keep reading to find out 10 ways to dewussify your child in this triumphant return of What He Said by Mike.

Here’s Mikey:

So it has been awhile since I have contributed some of my crappy over the top opinions to my dear friend Toulouse and Tonic … Why, you ask? Were my feelings hurt by the negative comments (oh please go read the ones under his post about how sucky it is to be married to a pregnant woman – they’re priceless. Go ahead, we’ll wait.) I received in the past ? Haha, no. I live for those. Did Suzanne tell me she didn’t want my drivel anymore? She probably should have but again, nope – we have the same sense of humor (sick and infantile kinda like this) so she’s actually been telling me to get off my lazy ass and write her something else.

Have I been lazy? Well, yeah, I’m always lazy but that’s not the reason either. The reason? I couldn’t think of a damn thing to pen but now the ideas are flowing again so I’ll be passing some opinionated crap her way. So get ready to laugh, drop a WTF, or stick a few pins in your Mike voodoo doll in your near future. In the words of the great George Costanza, “I’M BACK, BABY !!”

First up, the Wussification of America!! It’s ridiculous and it needs to stop, NOW !

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I have been holding my tongue way too long, and it is time to call out the obvious. We are raising generation after generation of wussies (wimps, babies, lazy asses, pussies), and it needs to end now. Learn from some of the mistakes I’ve observed and even myself made…

1. Figure It Out – These three small words could change your child’s entire life. Use them for everything. Recently, I had a discussion with a buddy of mine about our kids and how we raised them. We both came to the agreement that we did our children a huge disservice by doing too much for them. He said “If I had to do it all over again, I would probably have responded to many of their requests with three simple words – ‘Figure It Out’.” I have thought about that conversation a lot lately and how uttering those words would have helped my kids. They would have learned to think on their own. Quit doing things for your kids – Tell Junior to go Figure It Out !

2. Pop the Water Wings – seriously ?!?! Why are you making your kids wear floaties ?!?! Don’t say to be safe – because they aren’t. It is because you are too lazy to put down your iPhone and keep an eye on them. Get these things off your kids. Better yet, put down your f’ing margarita and jump in with them and teach them to swim already! (From Toulouse: I personally think these things and margaritas at the pool are awesome)

3. This isn’t a restaurant – When they are hungry at home, have your kids make their own meals and snacks. As long as they aren’t wielding a knife like a Beni-Hana chef, have them create their own damn sandwich and chips combo. Lord, I was making my own sandwiches at like three. Now, granted they were bologna, mustard, and Captain Crunch, but I made them myself and they were delicious. Oh, and after getting my ass handed to me a few times I learned to clean up my mess after making one too. Quit serving these kids like they are VIP members of a country club.

4. Get up !! – just because little Johnny falls down and starts crying, doesn’t mean you have to sprint over there like he just severed his carotid artery. It is pretty simple – if his arm is at a 90 degree angle then it is probably broken, by all means – jump to it. But if trips and falls and is tearing up and looking at you wanting any sort of response to his “accident” and resulting boo-boo, turn away and let him deal with it. (From Toulouse: my husband says, “rub some dirt on it.”). He says a lot of things.

5. Bill Nye the Science Guy – between all my kids, I can’t even count the number of science fair projects I “helped” with through the years. Why ?!?!? Because I didn’t want one of my kids to get a bad grade because then they would turn into lowest scum of society. Yeah, they helped a little bit but ultimately I made myself responsible and what did they learn from that?? Nothing!! If they aren’t driven to finish the project on time then let them fail by turning in a crap project. I promise they won’t do it again and next time they will do it the right way and learn something.

6. And the award goes to … EVERYONE !! – when did the world change from winners getting the trophy to everyone gets a damn trophy. Come on! I got a few trophies when I played sports growing up, but they were for WINNING SOMETHING – I didn’t get something for just showing up. When did we begin to reward kids for just showing up?!?! I saw kids get trophies during my kids’ youth days that barely showed up for practices and even games. I never knew they were even on the team, but there they were getting the same trophy as my kid who I made sure went to every practice and game. What did giving a trophy to the slacker teach him? I tell you what it taught him, “Sweet Jimmy ! You get a reward even though you didn’t work your ass off and try to better yourself and the team. Well played, Jimmy, well played! Can I make you a sandwich?”

7. Negotiation – What?!?!?! Why do parents feel like they should negotiate with their kids ? They are f’ing kids !! They have no power unless you are stupid enough to give it to them. Your relationship with them is a dictatorship – you offer, they take or don’t take. Their choice. Quit offering a cookie only to be then roped into a trip to get ice cream because they did something they probably should have already been doing. Grow a pair.

8. Just walk away – I have seen it a million times, kid is throwing a fit in the mall and plops down on the ground and starts rolling around and screaming. The parent then stops and begins a long and pointless attempt at negotiating the kid to stand up and walk again which ultimately ends up with the kid walking into a toy store. You want them to get up? Easy … Just start walking away – they will get up and yes, they will get up before any kidnapper grabs them. No kidnapper in the world wants to snag a kid who acts like that.

9. What the &#$%* ?!?!?!? Mom !!!!!!! – Kids not doing what you asked them to do ? Feeling disrespected ? Show them you have the ultimate power – pull the power cords for your Wi-Fi router. What ?!?!?!? No internet ?!?!?! Stop the madness !!!!! After the screams and crying, I promise you that you will receive the attention you need and damn well deserve. Oh, and those tasks that needed to be done, will be completed in record time. (Toulouse adds: yeah, threats that aren’t followed through mark the end of your kids taking you seriously)

What do you think about Mike’s plans to dewussify our kids? Or rather his plans for you to dewussify your kids? He truly lives for comments so let him know what you think, good or bad. I promise you he’ll reply to your comments. Let’s get a discussion going.

But first, let’s all buy Mike this monster trophy. Just because he deserves it even though he didn’t win nothin’.

Check out Mike’s other posts, including his most popular, The Top Ten Sucky Things About Being Married to A Pregnant Woman and all the others HERE. He’s especially handy at giving out parenting advice.

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