Last week, my friend Mike presented us with a brand new What He Said entry called 10 Things I’ll Never Understand About Women. He made some good points but you know there’s no way I can leave that kind of thing unanswered. So just for you, Mike and also for the vast number of women who ponder the same mysteries, here are 10 Things I’ll Never Understand About Men.
1. Their need to eat food as if some other Neanderthal is gonna club them and take it away from them any second. Have you ever seen a man fold a piece of pizza over on itself and cram it into his mouth? The only time this move makes sense is if you’re getting paid 20 million dollars to gain weight for a movie role. And even then, do it in private. It’s disgusting.
2. Their devotion to jorts. I get it, guys. They’re jeans. They’re shorts. They’re jeans AND shorts. Which means you don’t have to worry about what matches because everything does. Wrong. The only thing that goes well with jean shorts is the 90s. If you have a time machine, by all means, pull on your jorts and your braided belt and head back to catch that Vanilla Ice show you always dreamed of. But after you raise the roof to “Ice Ice, Baby,” come back and burn them both.
3. Skid marks. Wait. What? How did that get there? You do know about this newfangled invention we call toilet tissue, right? And that the unspoken directions for its use are to wipe until you’re not seeing brown stuff anymore. GAH! I kind of understand why Mike wants to open up a new pack of underwear every week now.
4. Why they love boobs so much. I’ve seen men rotate their heads around on their necks like the girl in The Exorcist to look at a big rack passing by. And if the boobs are naked, they’ll trample their own schnauzer to get a look. You have to assume that by the time a guy is 25, he’s seen about 5000 sets of naked boobs (counting photos), at least. When is it enough already? I once asked a good male friend who was in his 30s, “Why are you STILL so eager to see every boob you can, regardless of quality?” His response? “It’s true that I’ve seen many, many boobs in my time. But I haven’t seen THESE boobs.”
5. Why they say, “I’ll call you,” when they have no intention whatsoever of doing it. I don’t have to worry about this (much) anymore now that I’m married but it sure happened to me a time or ten in my long dating life. Listen guys, just say “Goodnight” or maybe, “See ya later.” Or at least if you’re gonna lie, go big. Tell her you’re leaving on Safari the next day and chances are you’ll be eaten by a Lion so she shouldn’t wait around for the phone to ring.
6. Constant junk adjustment. A definite sign that things have gotten a little too comfortable in your relationship. Guys, please for the love of all that is holy, keep your hands above your waist when you’re in the company of other people. Including and maybe especially, your girl.
7. The incredible obsession with potty talk. It starts when they’re little boys and they seemingly never outgrow it. Every man you know has at least twenty euphemisms for pooping. Just ask him. Now’s probably a good time since he just dropped the kiddies off at the pool. Eeewwww.
8. Their ability to go from absolutely anything to sex in a split second. We just had a giant fight. I’m planning your demise. You wanna have sex. Your mom just called to say Aunt Ina has a goiter. I gag. You wanna have sex. You just fixed the toilet. I wanna pee. You wanna have sex.
9. Why they won’t ask for directions, nor accept directional help, anywhere, ever, no matter how lost they are. I’ve been lost, in the car, with a man who insisted on pulling over to the side of the road and studying a map instead of just letting me input the destination into GPS. I. Do. Not. Get. It.
10. Why they’ll wipe a booger on anything nearby instead of getting up for a tissue. When your man thinks you’re not looking, he’s picking his nose and wiping it on the underside of your couch cushion. I recommend a box of tissues beside the place you can see his butt imprint. Although it still probably won’t help.
Okay, guys, fill me in on the mysteries behind the weird things men do. And ladies, feel free to add to the list. There’s a chance I’ve forgotten one or two items you’d like cleared up.
P.S. This post is a collection of all the many things I’ve wondered about men over the years and is NOT about my husband. He is a study in perfection and doesn’t do any of these annoying things.
P.P.S. He also did not make me write the P.S. ; )
Follow @toulousentonic
And instagram. Basically, just follow me around all day, mmmkay?
The only one I can see in the men in my life is the booger one. I’m a straight, married woman. Jorts are comfy. I like to look at boobs too, and when girl puts big ones out there, it’s hard not to look. I like to swear and never ask for direction.
@Kylie. Mine runs out and buys one rather than look. I posted the row of peroxide bottles on face book, lined up 3 bottles of canola oil on pantry shelf, arranged row of 7 tape measures artistically on bookcase. It doesn’t help. I want new kitchen counters but he has burned holes in these twice so I guess I better wait til he dies.
My husband is fairly well behaved for a dude. The only thing I don’t understand and am annoyed by is him bringing home computer crap that he will never use! Our place is small, there’s no room for that!
OOOOh. This is so funny (as always).
I’m not sure if these are universal, but I suspect they may be:
11. They can never find their keys/phone/t-shirt/shoes and are amazed when you know exactly where they left the “lost” item.
12. They cannot find if it is behind another item in the refrigerator or pantry. That mayonnaise jar is just too heavy to move!
13. They do not wash their hands after using the toilet. If they do happen to wash their hands, it’s with a trickle of water and they dry their hands on your bath towel despite a hand-towel hanging right there in front of them.
14. They use the counter as a cutting board or spoon rest, but don’t wipe up the mess. Do they not realize they are making extra work for us? Are we just supposed to be happy because sometimes they cook?
15. They like, I mean LOVE, to leave the car’s gas-tank on empty for the thrill of it. How low can it go? How long can they get away without paying for gas? It’s so exciting, really. Especially when you finally wrest the kids into the minivan to take them to school and discover you’re running on fumes.
Oh yes Kylie! You did good. The pantry thing extends to just about anything, I think. My husband always asks me where something is before he even looks for it. Or MAYBE he’ll pop into the pantry and stand there for 2 seconds, not see it, and then ask. I can always do just what you said — go in and move one thing and there it is. IN THE SAME PLACE IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN! Drives me nuts. Thanks for your awesome contributions. : )
How about women who adjust their bras constantly as if its no big deal but get upset when a guy has to adjust himself why is your’s acceptable but mine is not
OK, ladies allow me to retort …
1. Depends on the number of brothers you grew up with. I had two plus a dad, so eating was grab it fast, pound it first then enjoy it on the upcoming burps
2. Jorts ?!?!? – Lord, do dudes where these ?? I haven’t owned a pair since 1982. Ladies, please tell me your men do not wear these.
3. I wear boxers so skids are never an issue for this dude. Now tighty whitey wearers have this issue. My “twig and berries” need to breath and move – can’t be all trapped in that cotton prison
4. Your friend is right – boobs are great. Couldn’t truly say why other than it is the one sexual organ we get to occasionally see from any woman walking down the street. And don’t act like when you put on a shirt you don’t know that the “girls” will be peeking out and drawing some looks from us. You know what you’re doing
5. “I’ll call you” is not a line. It is truly uttered to leave our options open – basically means you will be ranked on the hookup list to receive a call back. If you are highly ranked, you get a call. If not, you don’t. And the rankings change all the time based on looks, needs, and alcohol intake
6. You got me there – love to adjust the junk. Just watch your infant sons. From the minute they figure out where their junk is the adjusting starts. Just be glad I don’t have a vagina or my junk adjustment time would increase 100 fold …
7. You got me there #2 – potty talk is awesome at age 7 and just as awesome at age 47. And don’t get me started on farts – still guaranteed to crack me up after all these years
8. Ahhh – looks like someone is very close to figuring out what makes us happy and subservient
9. What’s the big deal ?? It is an adventure finding our destinations – just sit back and enjoy the ride. Let us have our thrill of accomplishing the tasks of getting our family to the correct destination. Our lives have so few victories now
10. I hate boogers and thus my goal when I obtain one is to get rid of it as quickly as I can so, yep, your furniture is in jeopardy. I will do my best to hide it
11. Usually the only time I ever lose something is when my wife moves it from where I originally placed it. You don’t touch it, then I don’t lose it
12. Big items in the back, small items in the front or in the doors. Seems like a simple system to me – when we all adhere to it
13. Wrong !!! Wrong !! If your man doesn’t wash his hands after taking a piss, he is just a dirty mammal. Having a penis has nothing to do with being clean. Also, a towel is a towel. Big or small it’s purpose is to dry
14. I can’t comment on this one because I do the cooking. Hate to clean up, but that is where my gal steps in. and yeah, we know it creates extra work, we really just don’t care, but there is hope … see answer to number 8
15. No gas is needed until the light goes on and then no gas is TRULY needed until the needle hit a certain part of a letter on the gauge. Come on, we drive a mini van – let us do one edgy thing in our pathetic lives …
Thanks! Fortunately, my husband thinks I’m a magical witch-fairy person who makes things instantly appear. Glad you enjoyed these
Cuz it is genitalia.
Funny stuff here! “Jorts”? Really? I remember having some in the 80s, but wow! As far as boobs go, don’t try to pretend you haven’t used that one to your advantage!
I’m happy to know you were able to let the jorts go at the appropriate time. Far too many people are addicted. Jorts Anonymous, folks. Just follow the 12 steps, let go and let God.
Replace #2 with them peeing everywhere but in the bowl. ‘Jorts’ really don’t bother me. Men are nasty when it comes to anything bathroom related. I told mine he makes me sick because of this and he has pretty much fixed the problem. If I’m home and he left the door open, I’ll usually glare at him when he unzips his pants and he’ll sit down to pee instead. I’m really sick and tired of cleaning piss off the floor and wall. Skid marks are rare now because I’ve yelled at him for so long when he farts on purpose. Skid marks are not from men who don’t wipe, ladies. Skid marks happen when a guy farts. So when your man farts, he’s actually shitting his pants a little. Tell him to grow up and go to the bathroom if he really needs to fart.