*To prove that I’m not into Pro Ball, the following post is an older one and the teams I talk about in here are not even the teams playing in the SuperBowl. I don’t think. Either way, the post is funny and the techniques will work to annoy your man to death. So proceed.
I’m not one of those women who hates football. But I do hate Pro football. In fact, when the SuperBowl is on in my house Sunday, I’ll be way more interested in the ads than the game.
Other things I’ll be way more interested in? The US Weekly on my lap, the buffalo wings on our coffee table — oh, and annoying my husband while he tries to watch the game. (I’m an expert at annoying him).
This I’m a pro at and since he typically has a pretty good sense of humor, I get lots of practice. So today, I offer you my Top 10 Ways to Annoy Your Man During the Super Bowl (or any sporting event really).
1. Immediately after each play, look him in the eye and say, “Now explain to me what just happened.”
2. Ask him who he wants to win. Dress head-to-toe in the opposing teams’ gear, brush up some old routines from your little league cheerleading days and perform those in front of the TV. Shout “IN YOUR FACE” in his face every time his team screws up.
3. Since those football pants are the best part of the game, get 2 of your girlfriends on speakerphone and have a “Rank the Booties” contest. Declare a winner as well as at least 10 runners-up, then move on to “Rank the Biceps” and just for fun, “Player Likely to Have the Biggest Appetite.”
4. Start a long discussion about which football outfit is cuter, the Seahawks or the Broncos? Critique the team colors in detail. Why would you put orange and blue together? Everyone knows orange looks better paired with neutrals. Ask him his favorite color then interpret what you think that means about what kind of person he is. Extrapolate to how well-suited you think he is for your personality type. If you’re not already, ask him when you’re gonna get married. Get on Pinterest and ask him if he thinks your butt would look big in a mermaid-style wedding gown.
5. Grab a nerf football, get the dog really hype, then play a loud game of catch with her in front of the TV.
6. Hide the remote.
7. When the announcer says “Denver Broncos,” ask him if he’s ever been to Denver. Then tell him about the time you went to Denver. Then tell him how much you love John Denver. Then sing him all your favorite John Denver songs.
8. When the announcer says, “Seattle Seahawks,” ask him if he knows that Nirvana was from Seattle. Then tell him you’re pretty sure coffee was invented in Seattle. Ask him if he’s aware that Sleepless in Seattle is your favorite movie. Whatever his answer, detail the plot line for him. When he says he doesn’t know who Meg Ryan is, make sure you list every single thing she’s ever been in. Start with “As The World Turns.”
9. Every time a touchdown is scored by either team, scream “HOME RUN!” Get up and do your own version of an end zone dance in front of the TV.
10. Narrate for him your thoughts on the cheerleaders, dancers, mascots, cameras and anything else extraneous to the game but then when the commercials come on, tell him “Shhh! This is the best part.”
Now I wanna hear what you’ve got. What can you add to my playbook before the game starts?
*post contains affiliate links
Oooh, there are great. Maybe we could also come out into the living room with a bunch of papers in our hands and say, “we seriously need to talk about our taxes right now”…….
I think that would accomplish the task quite nicely.
I’m sending Gabe a roll of duct tape…
Hahahahahaha!
Fabulous list! Great ideas! Meg Ryan and “As the World Turns” Priceless!
She was Betsy, you know.
A little birdie whispered in my ear and said you might want to defend the honor of your gender so here I am …
1. Yeah, go ahead and try that. You are just guaranteeing my guy’s flatulence rendition of “Runaway” during your precious Bruno Mars’ halftime show
2. Doesn’t matter to us what you wear. You missed the boat to destroy a fragile ego during our team’s dismal regular season. Our team didn’t make the playoffs so we could care less about this game – we are just using this as an opportunity to break our diet for one day and eat like a staved Tom Hanks from Castaway
3. Girls, have you not learned by now that we have the superhero ability to tune you and your girlfriends out ?? Not even a challenge anymore. Now, if you start talking about which cheerleader has the best boob job … all bets are off.
4. I have a few counter measures in this situation. I would probably say “huh?” a lot which would require you to restate your opinion which would buy me a few extra minutes before having to respond again. Taking a bite of something at the time I need to respond would also buy me some time since you hate it when I talk with food in my mouth. Get up to get a beer. Pass some gas which would break your concentration. Lather. Rinse. Repeat, baby …
5. You might get me on this one. Not. My counter move would be to offer the dog the half of my chili dog. Dudes and dogs are wired the same. Food trumps any games in a dog’s world just like a dude. Plus, I gain the added benefit of watching the dog crank out some dutch ovens about 6 hours later.
6. No worries. Between the game and the commericals, we never change the channel during the Super Bowl anyways. Now hiding our beer would be something and could result in a “Cops” episode in our living room.
7. Might work, might not. If we dated a girl before you who used to live in Denver, your ramblings will be drowned out by the thoughts of our sweet carefree single encounters with this vixen.
8. Another tactic is to respond to your question with a few questions of my own. “Nirvana ?? Did you know Courtney Love put Kurt Cobain in an early grave ??” “Coffee ?? Did you know Starbucks has a secret ordering menu ??” “Meg Ryan ?? Did you know that she really had an orgasm in that scene from ‘When Harry Met Sally’ ?? Also, young Meg Ryan was much hotter than old Botoxed Meg Ryan”. Guess who is distracted now, girlfriend ??
9. Now THAT would be funny and worth seeing !! Count me in !! Let me get my iPhone ready to film this video gold nugget to post on FB from my boys to see these sweet pole dancer moves you have
10. Refer to number 3. The longer we are with you, the easier it is to tune you out. There is a reason your dad always responds to your mom by saying “What was that ??” – he is not hard of hearing. He just has a well-seasoned “noise” filter that he keeps up all the time.
Let me give you gals a hint. There are 4 things that drive every dudes’ existence (well, most dudes’ existence) – food, TV, pooping, and sex. 3 of the 4 have been addressed before or during the game. I will let you figure out what “distraction” remaining : )
My favorite? Feeding the dog the chili dog! Bahahahaha.
…and Mike pulls out a big win in overtime! Final score, Mike 10 – Toulouse 3…
I’m guessing you are no longer on the invite list to watch the big game at the Toulouse residence.
Leave it to a man to take another man’s side, JAY! ; )
I wanna Superbowl at your house. Please?
You KNOW it! Get over here.
There is a reason we get a whole bunch of dudes together to watch the game – drown you out. Plus multiple TVs with the game on so the girls can watch one and the dudes can watch the other one. Tell Gabe to start icing the beer and get the brats ready – we are coming to save him !! : )
Well, looks like we needed your distractions – that game was crap !!