If your kids are picky eaters like mine, and you’re always exhausted like me, then you have to start doing all your grocery shopping at Amazon.com. Kids are ridiculous about eating and deserve these awesomely ridiculous food products (and you deserve to read the reviews because if there’s anything a parent needs – it’s the chance to pee yourself from laughing so hard).
When I lived in a bigger city, I could pick up my unicorn meat at the Farmer’s Market but now that I’m in a smaller town, I can’t find it anywhere – and if I do find it, I suspect it’s a knock-off and the meat ends up tasting more like Hippogriff than unicorn meat. And my kids know the difference, you better believe it.
Yes, those boys of mine aren’t having any of the boring domestic milk the grocery stores in my town carry, not when they can enjoy the rich international nectar of Italian cow teats with Tuscan Whole Milk, just $75 for 128 ounces. If you drink this while you read the reviews, be prepared for it to spew out of your nose.
And for a treat (and in place of your common everyday laxative), nothing short of Haribo Gummi Candy will do. After all, like all children, mine will occasionally get constipated – and boy do these candies make you poop. In fact, I’ve never heard shitting described in such fiery creative ways as in the reviews of these candies. My favorite? “Like exploding molten rock on the spread wings of Satan the beast escaped in a ferocious roar from my rectum.” (And that’s just one sentence in a glowing several paragraph review).
So go straight to amazon and order up a dose of the strongest laughter they have and give thanks that there are clever, creative people out there with the urge to write stuff that’ll make you laugh your ass off.
Treat yourself to the reviews under the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, just for good measure.
Now remember, if you’re serving unicorn meat for dinner, be sure to prepare 4 extra servings for us. I’ll bring the wine!
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