I had my first baby 6 years ago last week.  How did he get to be 6 already???

On his birthday, between muffin-making and school-party-attending, I was obsessing thinking about how exciting it was to find out I was pregnant with Asher and then I started thinking about how freaking obsessed with baby products I became about 10 minutes after the pee stick showed a positive sign.

I remember being online ALL THE TIME reading about cribs and bottles and swings and infant car seats and diaper bags and swaddling blankets…and all the other things I thought I simply had to have.  What I really needed was the advice of other moms I trusted but sadly, I just didn’t have mom friends then.

Between the shower gifts and the stuff we bought, we got all kinds of things that were incredibly useful and quite a lot that were, uh, not.  And the problem is that I ASKED for most of them because I just had no idea.

The king of all the things I got but did not need was the baby wipe warmer.

I’m pretty sure we used it once or twice in the first few days the first baby was home from the hospital.  At some point, it got unplugged and never plugged in again, at which point it just became a WIPES HOLDER.  Which wipes generally come in already and they don’t cost $27.99.

So in the spirit of an experienced two-time mom who wants to give you good advice — and since you’ve probably already gotten that “essential” wipe warmer and you most definitely won’t be using it to wipe your baby’s bottom, I have some other, equally practical, suggested uses for it.  We wouldn’t want it to just sit there, would we?

1.  If you’re having trouble meeting all your monthly bills, use your wipes warmer as a bill pop-up.  Put them inside in random order and then pull one out to pay.  By the next day, the rest of the bills will have magically disappeared (or turned into one lump of unreadable paper – whatevs).

2.  Your kids will give you a headache.  I promise.  Keep a moist washcloth in it at all times so when you finally get the baby/kids down for a nap, you can lie down with it on your forehead and swoon the way only a mother deserves.

3.  Put a pack of wipes in it, plug it in and place it HERE when you get home from the hospital.  You will have all kinds of Frankenvagina shit going on down below that you won’t even be willing to look at for weeks.  These will feel oh-so-good to dab down there instead of using toilet paper.  In fact, I’m all healed (or as healed as one can be after 2 kids) and I still think this is a good idea.  Moving mine toilet-side now.

4.   Do you like to bake?  Grow your own yeast!  They say a warm, dark, moist environment is perfect for the proliferation of yeast, right?  Oh wait.

5.  Pour in some water, a little vinegar, maybe a touch of dishwashing soap then put your jewelry in there and turn on.  A couple of hours later – voila!  Clean jewelry!

6. When I was in elementary school, I conducted my own science experiment to grow mold (I was not a sophisticated science student).  Your wipes warmer ought to be perfect for this.  Although if you’re like me, your kid can probably just check the potato drawer to find what he needs.

P.S.  If you have the wipes warmer at home and you’re looking for things to do with it, please do not really try my suggestions at home.  I am ridiculous and completely unreasonable.  Except for #3.  #3 is right on the money.  Ahhhhh….