Earlier in the week, I wrote 15 Things I Would Never Figure Out Without My Husband but let’s be real. The main reason I wrote that is so I could write this. And though the title 15 things my husband would never figure out without me is slightly inflammatory, it’s still funny. I admit, my husband is a very smart man and he’d probably figure a few of these things out eventually if he HAD TOO. Like if I disappeared permanently to Hawaii or something. But let’s face it, I’m not going anywhere because no one would survive more than a few days without me. At least they definitely wouldn’t eat any peanut butter. Read on.
1. What to do when he has a headache or indigestion. He must’ve been in a lot of needless pain before we got together.
2. Which one is the washer and which one is the dryer.
3. Where the peanut butter is. (Where it always is)
4. That if I’m still doing something, I am in fact NOT “ready to go.”
5. What a nightgown is, what foundation is and why you need Spanx.
6. If our oldest son likes smoked turkey slices or oven-baked turkey slices. (It’s only been 7 years)
7. How to unball his socks when he takes them off.
8. How to clap during a football game without setting off a seismic shift.
9. How to close his closet door.
10. How to make rice or boil an egg (but he can make risotto or bernaise sauce).
11. Why we should return things we don’t need instead of just keeping them because OMG returning things is so hard.
12. How to walk without stomping.
13. How to clean a knife without slicing open the dish sponge thingee.
14. That a shirt you put on and then discard for another doesn’t need to be thrown into the hamper.
15. What time we have to leave in order to get anywhere on time.
I could keep going on for days but that might get me in trouble. The truth of the matter is, there are things neither of us do not because we don’t know how but because we don’t want to. I refuse to take out the trash or deal with anything mechanical and he happily lets me be the one with all the knowledge about how laundry is done. And quite honestly, that’s a tradeoff I can live with.
So what would your husband would never figure out without you? Obviously you’re busy locating the peanut butter right now, but after you walk over to where it always is, pick it up and hand it to him, come back over and share your list with me. I’ll just be over here unballing socks.
How to figure out what time it is in another time zone. How to make a dr./dentist or really any appointment. How to handle anything financial. What our home phone number is. When our kid’s birthdays are. Also, he can rarely remember his own family history (including things like where he was born) without asking me.
Okay, you made me laugh! Thanks for adding your 2 cents!
Basically anything to do with where anything is in our house(including the peanut butter!!) How much sugar goes into the kool-aid for the kids,what day is garbage day..same day for the last 3 years we’ve lived in our home,my birthday,the kids birthdays,how old are his siblings.what year did he graduate high school(really??c’mon!) And the list goes on and on…but my favorite by far every morning is..”where are my socks?” Ahhhh!!! Same place as ALWAYS…i dont rearrange thedresser drawers daily..i promise!!
Where are my socks??? Bahahahaha! Are you sure you don’t move those treasures around every single day with all that free time you have?
This was hilarious. Thank you for sharing.
I’m fairly certain my husband can’t go to the bathroom (or to bed, to get a drink, to make popcorn…whatever) without first telling me he’s got to go at least a couple of times. (“I’ve gotta pee.” 10 minutes later, “Go pee for me, I’m comfy.” Another few minutes, “I should pee.” Seriously? Dude, what are you…2?
(He spends lots of time working away from home, but I have a snaking suspicion he may make the announcements to himself, as well)
SMH…
How old he, himself, is. He told me two years ago that we needed to have a big party that year for his 30th birthday. I just looked at him like he was a crazy person and said, “You’re turning 29.”
You can guess who got a “Happy 30th Birthday” card that year!
And Virginia for the win! That is hilarious!