The Worst Pickup Lines Ever Heard

A good friend and I were recently reminiscing about our single days and she reminded me of this little gem of a pickup line a guy once used on me. As I was leaving the dance floor in a noisy club, he grabbed my arm, leaned into my ear and shouted, “You dance sexy — like a stripper.” I did NOT dance on his pole.

I’ve been married 8 years and don’t spend a lot of time dancing sexy like a stripper in clubs anymore but it was so fun to remind each other of these WTF? lines that I thought I’d ask some of my 38 LOL funny co-authors in “I Just Want To Be Alone” to share some of theirs with you too. After all, they’re already warmed up from dishing about the men in their lives in our book (out now and almost to the top of the charts in Family and Parenting Humor on amazon after less than 48 hours).  Get yours now.

While we talk about our husbands a lot in the book, it’s with love. These douches, on the other hand, just deserve to be laughed at.

I was told, “You sure are pretty from certain angles.” Niiiiice. Robyn at Hollow Tree Ventures.

In my senior year of high school I was introduced to a young man who told me that he liked me, but I was a bit too sassy. He offered to give me a chance to date him because he would very much enjoy “breaking my spirit.” Jen of People I Want To Punch In The Throat

My husband’s last name is similar to a famous Canadian’s last name. He used to tell girls that this celebrity was his uncle, and that my husband’s father changed his name when he immigrated FROM CANADA. It worked sometimes. Not on me, though, but I went home with him anyway. Wait a second… Amy Flory of Funny is Family

Cue Brooklyn accent, “I wanna take you home and feed you my mama’s lasagna.” Deva of My Lifesuckers

In college, I had a guy offer to take me out for wings and sex. He told me I could choose the order in which both occurred and could pick the flavor of the wings. Christine of Keeper of the Fruitloops

A man, a native English speaker, kept trying to seduce me in Spanish. I don’t speak Spanish. Nicole Leigh Shaw

My ex trying to woo me back: “I’m ready to be a man…your man.” Not on your life buddy. Lynn of Nomad Mom Diary

Here’s a toast my date to one of my sorority formals gave me…IN THE LIMO I’D SPENT A FORTUNE ON. – “Here’s to you and here’s to me and here’s to friends we’ll always be. But if some day we don’t agree, Fuck you and here’s to me.” Yeah, that was our last date. Michelle of You’re my favorite today

I wish I had something to add, but other than the creepy old guy in the grocery store seductively fondling a cucumber and wiggling his eyes, no one ever tries to pick me up. Sigh… Abby of Abby Has Issues

And probably the ickiest one ever ever ever uttered to me (maybe to anyone) –   Much older and married man:  “You are a delicate flower waiting to bloom.”  NO.  Just no.  There will be no blooming.  Take your piston and get out of here.

As you can easily tell, my co-authors are some seriously funny women.  You’ve had a taste – now get the book right this minute.

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